This post is for all those who recently got married or will be getting married in near future. I don't have any experience of how the mental state of a couple gets affected post-marriage but I do have some sample data collected in the last couple of years, courtesy some friends (read acquaintances) on Facebook. I have some advice to dispense here now. Not that anyone likes to be advised but enough is enough. I am tired of being dragged into your personal lives by the means of photos, updates, links, babies, photo contests and blah! Please listen to me; it’s for your greater good.
1) Photos- We get it. You are getting married. You don't need to put up all the pics from roka to engagement, mehandi, pre-wedding, wedding, reception et all. I don't know your family and have no interest of doing so either. There is a reason I didn't come to attend the marriage. So, unless your younger sister is sexy as shit, please don't upload those mind-fucked pics. But you still won't listen, I know. Do us a favor at least. Don't just dump the whole fcuk album out there, make the effort of selecting a worthy few and then put it up you jackass.
Also, your honeymoon is your honey-fucking-moon. We know you fucked. Unless you made a tape and are willing to share, don't mess up my Facebook account with 157 photos of your trip and all of them being cheesy kinks. The sheer number of pics you guys take of yourself by that auto-click (that too in the hotel bedroom), just makes me wonder what is it that you actually got married for? Photos? Seriously?
2) The messed-up-name theory- I don't get it okay. I seriously don't. Whats up with this you take my name, I take your name stuff?. According to you, if I get married to a Priya or a Pooja, I should name myself Ankit Pooja Arora. Are you fucking kidding me? This is not all. Some of you take this even further. You dickheads decide to have common social networking accounts. Just one question here, what happens in case you guys get divorced. Who gets to keep the account? May be there’s a prenuptial agreement or something to include this, “Honey, I get to keep the kids, you’ll handle the social faux pas”. I get the ‘love’ and all that crap people do in love. But this? Whom do you do it for anyways? Didn't you just show your love for each other by getting married? I am pissed off at this fuck-all infinitum. If you don’t see this is as sheer stupidity, then do whatever the fuck you gotta do. Wear each other's underwear for all I care.
3) Not all kids are cute - This is not your fault actually. This is hardwired I guess. A new born baby has got to be beautiful, cute, sweet and all that, Right? Look at him, isn’t he cute?, isn’t he?- Abso-fucking-lutely (To fellow Pissed off people: The best way to diplomatically handle this situation is to say, “He/She looks just like you, No seriously, just like you”, now whatever that means). Is this not enough that we say all these nice stuff when he/she is born that you go ahead and make your kid participate in who’s the cutest contest?, WTF? I bet in future your kid will make you participate in who is more retarded, my mom or my dad contest?
But I seriously believe, it's not all your fault on this one. I mean, I have never seen someone pointing it out either. Imagine someone saying "Holy crap dude! This is your son? Jeez. He looks like shit man. I didn't know God even makes them like these anymore. How did you do it? Did you keep on changing the positions while doing it? His face looks kind of twisted man".
4) Contests - Who the fuck are you, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Why do you keep participating in all these contests guys? If you think you are the perfect couple, good for you. Why do you need that constant affirmation from your friends on that? Bring this to an end alright. I ask this nicely because couples like to hear and believe that they look perfect together, may be you do or may be you are just fucktardically stupid. Who am I to say? I’ll pray to whomsoever required, will bribe if need be, to make you guys win if that ensures a once and for all end to this.
5) PDA - I swear on my newly bought Apple iTouch that if there's one thing I can't stand, it’s PDA! More so, if you are already married. I get it when I see a 3rd year engineering guy cozing up with a 2nd year DU chick at central park. I do. These guys are short of space. But you? You guys are married for fuck's sake. Show some decency. That's all I ask.
This is it for now. Have a happy married life.
To,
Future Mrs. Arora.
Please don't be mad at me after reading this post. I promise, I'll let you upload all these stupid pics and stuff wherever and whenever you like. I’ll change my name to Samantha, Simran, Sunita, Anita, whatever the fuck you ask. We'll name our babies (I say babies, my only wish) as derivatives of your name, so they'll automatically be cute and all that. We'll participate in all these contests too and will send requests to the complete friends list to like our entry. And last, we'll make love in that fucking central park if that’s what you want. I love you Mrs. Arora, in advance.
Yours truly,
Mr. (fill whatever you like) Arora
