October 18, 2015

Office survival

You spend 30% of your life in office. Let's make the best out of it. Before that, let's clear up one thing: You are not expected to think out of box. You are just expected to spend as much time as possible inside the box; called cubicle.

Now, let's get to some of the important components of this horrible place called 'Office'

Interview :
Do you get nervous during a job interview? Do you have trouble clearing them?
Alright then, always remember a few things :-

  • Apply for Nonsense jobs. Apply for jobs that involve talking non-sense to other people. Avoid jobs that involve lifting weights, travel at odd times, and tangible objectives. 
  • The interviewers don't know shit either. They have no clue what skill they are looking for or what personality trait would best suit the job profile. All that talk is just pure cooked up management bullshit. They just want someone who can sound smart for a total of 4 mins. And a nice haircut. A nice haircut always help. 
  • Never look happy. People who look happy always get rejected in interviews because who wants to give a job to someone who is already happy, right? LOOK SAD, extremely sad. Interviewers relate well to that. They want someone who can fit in. No one wants to disrupt office culture just because of one happy guy. Easier way to look sad is; Being sad. It's easy, try it as a way of life.
  • Spend time building your resume. But remember, your resume is not your strength. It's your weakest link to your past. It's not something you are good at, it's something you have already done and never want to do again. Don't try to build a career, that's not gonna happen. The point is to switch jobs at random interval of times with each job less horrible than the previous one. 
#ProTip : Keep the following things handy during an interview :-
  1. Blood sample
  2. Urine sample
  3. Stool sample from last 3 days
  4. List of past lovers and Reasons why you left them 
They can ask for it anytime. 

Co-workers :
Co-workers are toxic. Stay away from these people. They are mostly categorised as the following :-

  • Early birds : People who reach office early with a smile on their face. They don't have an iota of thought in their head but they make up for that by being in office for 20 hours every day. You'd often find these people organising events, get-togethers, team parties and basically they end up in resource allocation roles because they aren't good at anything else. Mostly harmless bunch, just don't crib about your boss in front of them. They are hardly trustworthy. 
  • Chirpy tweets :  When these people reach office, everybody gets to know. They are loud, imbecile and most dangerous. They don't understand the concept of privacy. Never entertain them. Never end up like them. Remember, no body listens to people who talk a lot.
BE QUIET. LOOK PISSED- No body messes with someone who remain quiet and no body blames the guy who already look pissed with the current state of affairs.

#Protip: Find a team within your company where people are even more useless than you are. It makes you look brilliant. 

Job Satisfaction :
Whenever you think you aren't getting paid enough for what you do or pretend to do, there's one sure shot way to get your motivation right back up. SHIT. Literally.

Go to the restroom, sit there for 30 minutes. Shit. When you are done, look at that piece of shit and think about how you are getting paid for that shit. Just for that piece of shit right there.

Spend that half an hour everyday in the restroom. You company is now paying you for 10 hours of time in a month just for sitting in the restroom. Shit and Tweet people. Shit and Tweet.

That sounds motivating, right?

Promotions :
Have you ever wondered why the higher management is purposeless, spineless and overall just a bunch of assholes? You'd think - they have contacts within the company, they are Yes-mens, or that they were just at the right place at the right time. WRONG.

You'd think you never want to be like them, right? WRONG.

No matter how much you hate them, you want to be just like them. Do nothing, give out orders, big corner office with your shiny name plate; you want it, you want all of it.

Let me tell you how these guys reached there and how you can reach there too. It's not a shortcut, it the only cut.


Losers suggest solutions. When your boss gives a presentation on the recent challenges that the company is facing, the people who at the end of it, raise their hands and suggest solutions end up as losers.

Winners wait. They wait ...and they wait some more for someone to carry out an analysis and suggest a solution so that they can point out its flaws and without breaking a sweat become an important contributor to that solution.

And that's it. Point out flaws. That's your secret to success.

Boss :
No one hates you more than your boss. They are the ones who have to train you. They don't get paid extra to do that either. If you act like you understood immediately, it angers them more. No one wants to believe that their job is so easy that you understood all of it within an hour.

ACT DUMB. Listen to him carefully. Say that you'll complete everything on time. Complete everything on time, irrespective of Quality. Remember, quality of work cause tension and stress. Medical research has shown that stress can kill. Don't take that chance.

ProTip: ANTICIPATE FAILURE. The most important skill you'll ever learn in your life is anticipating failure. Warn your boss about the impending failure and blame your co-workers well in advance.

Best of luck. Be successful. 

October 18, 2013

Ladies and Gentlemen.....

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’13… Get Married.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, marriage would be it. The long term benefits of marriage have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my friend’s Facebook post-marriage pictures…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the beliefs and nit-pickings of your parents; oh never mind; you will not understand the efforts they put in to get you married until you become a parent. You’re exactly as fat as you imagine. And Ugly. And they know it.

Don’t worry about an educated wife; or a beautiful one, pick someone from the pictures your mom showed you or the matrimonial profiles your dad found and just get married. Marriage is helping ugly people have sex since forever.

Do one thing every day that puts your family to shame. Push them to the edge of disowning you. It’s fun.

Don’t waste your time on keeping score; sometimes you’re on top, sometimes you’re behind, sometimes you’re blowing, sometimes you’re blown…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Keep your old porn collection, throw away your old love letters if you have any.

Buy plenty of condoms. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe your kids will call you papa, and maybe they’ll call you an asshole, but why take a chance. Whatever shit you end up with, don’t berate yourself– you didn't deserve anything better.

Enjoy your body and hers, use it every way you can. Experiment all positions.

Dance. Not.
You are a guy and you’re ugly and look even uglier while dancing. Leave this senseless activity for your wife. Smile when she dances, and get her drunk. It helps.  

Have an affair.
Be nice to your wife’s friends; they are the best link to her past and the best ones for your future… if the marriage doesn't work out .....or otherwise.

Understand that your closest friends would stab you in the back sometime soon in life. Fuck them. Forget them…before they do the same. Build the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more people you know the more shit you’d have to deal with. Contact Dexter, if required.

Live in Delhi once, but leave before someone rapes you; live in Bombay once, but leave before you die of suffocation.

Accept certain inalienable truths, when you get old performance will drop, wife will philander, you too will get horny, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young performance was reasonable, girlfriend was loyal and biology respected your needs.

Respect your needs. Don’t expect anyone else to give you a hand.

Visit Thailand.
Be careful whose services you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.

But trust me on the marriage…

February 28, 2013

Do you have 1 cr?

Friend: Does your account show 1cr now?
Me: Why would it do that?
Friend: Because I sent you.
Me: What did you send?
Friend: 1 cr.
Me: What are you talking about?
Friend: I SENT YOU 1 cr.
Me: but I don't have it. And why would you do such a thing?
Friend: because I am on leave tomorrow.
Me: What is that supposed to mean?
Friend: It means, I AM NOT COMING TO OFFICE TOMORROW! Geez you're an idiot.
Me: What is your not coming to office tomorrow has got anything to do with 1 cr that you have supposedly sent me.
Friend: I can't handle it. Can you?
Me: I don't know how to reply to that.
Friend: Say yes or no. Just tell me if you can handle it or not. Else I'll send it to someone else! It's just 1 cr.
Me: 1 cr is not a small thing.
Friend: Ok, I will send it to someone else.
Me: No, DO NOT SEND IT TO ANYONE ELSE. Also, you said you already have sent it to me, I don't see it in my account?
Friend: But here it is showing that you are the owner now.
Me: WHAT! Owner? What owner?
Friend: The owner of the CR. Change Request.
Me: Fuck you!

February 3, 2013

My Job in this world is done!

My job in this world is done!

..So there's this restaurant in Basel that I often end up having my dinner at. The guy who serves food greets me everytime, sometimes by saying Namaste or Vanakkam and sometimes, Asla Walekum. I generally nod. One day he came up to me and asked in his broken English, "How should I greet you sir? I can figure out you are an Indian but not sure what language you speak or which part of India you are from either?"

I smiled, thought what to answer, and told him to greet everyone by saying something particular that is common to every Indian belief system.

Now he greets every Indian who walks in that restaurant with "Jai Tendlya"!

I can now die peacefully.

January 30, 2013

Some Thursday!

Few Weeks back, Some Thursday! It’s a surprise middle of the week holiday. Nobody has anything planned. Me neither. Not that I plan anything for normal holidays, but this one I didn't even feel like. So I had a long night sleep, which crossed all definitions of ‘a morning’, sliding towards afternoon. A few more hours and people would have declared me dead already.

But finally, I woke up at 13:00 and did what all you do when you guys wake up. It may differ in some cases, because some of you wake up in other people’s bed and you have to sneak away before the girl actually wakes up and asks you to marry her. But anyways, I did the normal routine.

@14:00 – Coffee Time

Mom, can you make a cup of coffee?

While I waited for my coffee, I switched on the TV and settled for a movie.  Selecting a movie on TV these days with 200 channels is like being in a relationship. You like the girl, but you don’t want to marry her, because you think you might get someone better. Same with movies on TV, you just never know what else might be there on some other channel.

Also, in another important life event, I recently bought a recliner which has become my second bed or the first one, I am not really sure. But, whatever! So I was reclining on this recliner (reclining on this recliner?), OK anyways, with my legs on the table in front, watching a movie. And my coffee just arrived.

*few minutes later*

Mom: Ankit...idhar aa
Me: Kya hua?
Mom: Kuchh khaayega?
Me: Kya hai?
Mom: Tikki bana rahi hu…bread ke saath sandwich type bana ke du? Nahi to burger bhi ban sakta hai?
Me: Theek hai burger bana do.
*Back to the recliner, with my coffee cup in one hand and remote in the other, watching a movie, waiting for the burger*

@14:20 - *phone rings…It’s Ajay*

Me: Haan be?
Ajay: What are you up to today?
Me: Nothing much. Any plans?
Ajay: I don’t know…but I can’t sit at home all day…Let’s Go Out.
Me: Where?
Ajay: Let’s meet up at Sector-15 market in half hour and we’ll see from there. I’ll call Amit and Ashish and ask if they wanna join.
Me: Ok Done. Aur gaadi le ke aaiyo be.
Ajay: Haan haan. Chal bye..call kariyo pahuche to.
Me: Haan ok. Milte hai wahi.

*MAMMA…BURGER MAT BANANA MAIN BAHAAR JAA RAHA HU* ……arrey kuchh to khaa ke jaaaa…..phurrrr

@15:00 – Sector-15 market.

No one has a clue as to what do we do now. So I said, let’s go eat something first and we’ll decide there, I haven’t had anything since morning.

Ashish knew of a nice South Indian place nearly, Shiv Bhojanalya, probably 10 minutes by car. So we decided to go there. On our way to that restaurant, Amit, in his newly acquired Nexus 4 decides to check up for the movie listings. 

“Guys, there’s a show of Matru ki Bijlee ka Mandola at SRS at 15:30. Chale kya? ”– he said

Everyone was up for the idea, but it meant that we can’t go to the restaurant anymore and will directly go for the mall. SRS was about another 10 minutes in a different direction from the place we were headed to currently.

Since I hadn’t eaten anything, I thought I’ll pick up something in the movie hall before the movie starts.

There are far so many malls and multiplexes in our city now, so availability of movie tickets is never an issue.

@15:30- Multiplex

We rushed towards the movie hall because Ajay didn’t want to miss the pre-movie advertisements. No one knows why? You don’t ask either!

So we asked him to carry on and we’ll join him in a minute.

Ashish went to the washroom to do the washroomy stuff. Amit and I went to the food counter to get coffee and something to eat. They didn’t seem to have many options though.

These were the following options:

Drinks: Coffee, Ice Tea, Water
Food: Sandwich, Popcorn, Burger and Donuts.

Amit ordered Coffee and Sandwich. I went for Coffee and Burger. (Someone wanted me to have Burger that day).

Amit got his order then and there, while I was handed over just my coffee and was told that the rest of the order will be delivered to my seat. Apparently, they did have the Burger ready.

Meanwhile, Ashish joined us back at the counter. But, he didn’t order anything. He never orders anything at movie theatres. Or canteens. Or Stations. Or Roadside. Ok then, moving on!

So we went inside the movie hall. It was empty, well almost. Ajay was there, of course!

@15:40 – Premium Seats

We were at the third last row. They had changed the seats for the last 4 rows recently. Premium seats, you see! I almost spill my coffee over Ajay trying to adjust on that seat. But they were really really comfortable with head-rest and shit like that.

Movie had already started by then and Ajay gave us stares. He believes that if you are late at the movies, you can never succeed in life.

I couldn't focus on the movie, because I kept turning back to look when my burger will arrive. But then immediately, something struck me and I was blown away:-

Around almost an hour and a half back, I was sitting on my batshit awesome recliner, with coffee in my hand, watching a movie, waiting for my Burger.

And now!

Life is a fucking bitch! 

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